What is in my Flask

I suppose some of these will be easier than others. For me, at first blush, holding a grudge hasn’t been much of a problem. There have certainly been times where things haven’t gone well in the past with bosses and family, but actively holding a grudge? It seems too time consuming for me. The definition, in case you are wondering is “a persistent feeling of ill will or resentment resulting from a past insult or injury”

Holding a grudge reminds me of that story from Zen Shorts (great book, BTW). Stillwater the Panda tells this story.

Two traveling monks reached a town where there was a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. The rains had made deep puddles and she couldn’t step across without spoiling her silken robes. She stood there, looking very cross and impatient. She was scolding her attendants. They had nowhere to place the packages they held for her, so they couldn’t help her across the puddle.

The younger monk noticed the woman, said nothing, and walked by. The older monk quickly picked her up and put her on his back, transported her across the water, and put her down on the other side. She didn’t thank the older monk, she just shoved him out of the way and departed.

 As they continued on their way, the young monk was brooding and preoccupied. After several hours, unable to hold his silence, he spoke out. “That woman back there was very selfish and rude, but you picked her up on your back and carried her! Then she didn’t even thank you!”

“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk replied. “Why are you still carrying her?”

 Right? Good stuff. Don’t hold a grudge.

Though I wonder. Is this just a matter of `semantics to some extent? Like I’d imagine only 20-30% of the population would admit to having an active grudge or ill will to someone. Maybe higher, I haven’t taken a survey. It would be those people who don’t let past wrongs go. They hold onto bad experiences like an injustice collector. Someone who allows past negative occurrences to take the driver seat on their current choices and attitude.

But for me, I don’t think I do that as much. I think there is more the tendency to evaluate a bad experience and then decide if I want to talk or interact with that person anymore. I don’t know that I would call that a grudge as much. In some ways, I defend myself by saying I’m just being smart about who I associate with in my future. Maybe you do the same.

But is that really it? Like by not calling it a grudge and just avoiding people who I don’t like, doesn’t that create a new problem? I get the comfort of the emotional high ground and just don’t interact with them anymore. I get peace. They get left confused and even more troubled (perhaps, I don’t want to overestimate the awesomeness of my presences. Perhaps they have a more peaceful life as well).

I wonder if this is more of a problem for me. Like if I actively avoid people who I’m likely to develop grudges with if I was forced to interact with them on a more regular basis. Simply avoiding someone I don’t like or who treats me poorly to avoid those early feelings of resentment and frustration. There is something that doesn’t feel healthy in that either. Like I never say anything in anger because as soon as I get angry with someone I just walk away. There is a tendency to see that as noble, when it’s really just the easy way out. A smart one, grant you. Like leaving a bad party early by sneaking out. But in the end, you still disappoint the host.

So, while I don’t think I have a grudge tendency as actively as some, I think I have more of a tendency to walk away when I feel a likelihood of finding myself in conflict with someone that could result in a grudge. Which isn’t quite a grudge, but it isn’t quite healthy, either. Its comes back to that problem I have with Buddism and desire. That the way to peace is found in never desiring something. Yes, it makes you pure, but like asceticism, it removes you from actively living as well. And from other people.

It’s easy to never drown in the ocean if you don’t live by the sea.

So, this leaves the choice. Continue to walk away or talk and interact  more, even when there is the knowledge of old traps and problems—those pre-grudge behaviors. Do you support the rights of the individual to live well and without conflict? Or do you support the induvial as part of a larger community who shares and interacts with others for the betterment of humankind? (And I realize there an inherent sense of privilege in this question asked by me—who was raised well, and loved and provided for well into my twenties, compared to someone who was abused, treated badly and lacks the luxury of reflection on a blog?)

I’m reading Middlemarch. Which is a hard and dry book, but one filled with vivid descriptions. It reminds me a bit of Brother’s K. A hard book to read, but one of my favorites (shout out to Markus for the recommendation, despite the rampant sportsball backdrop). Anyway, there was a quote I liked in Middlemarch: “Souls have complexions too, what will suit one will not suit another.” So maybe this reflection for me does not need to be utilitarian in nature. Perhaps I need to think more about not skipping ‘#2 Grudge’ and think a little more about the way I tend to move away from conflict when it benefits me, but harms the other.

I’ll think on that. My flask has sparkling wine from California in it thanks to a sweet friend’s gift around the holidays. Bubbly goodness.

Nothing like having to look up the first word. So, to be better than. To carry oneself in a vulgar or pretentious way. To be brag-a-docious (I made up that last part).

Funny how easy it is to see sin in others and miss it in yourself. I try to be approachable and I’d like to think I carry my wealth and the good things I’ve had softly. Maybe with one major exception. I’ll get back to that.

I think its important to be aware of this—both because it is a dickish thing to brag and goes against my nature, but also in terms of self-preservation. Bragging isn’t an attractive quality. To feel as if you have achieved to the point of vulgarity and pretentiousness is the step before the fall. The Emperor’s New Clothes.

That and being aware of how quickly power and possessions can fade. I often think of this quote

Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. It depends in part upon the myth-making imagination of humankind. The person who experiences greatness must have a feeling for the myth he is in. He must react what is projected upon him. And he must have a strong sense of the sardonic. This is what uncouples him from belief in his own pretensions. The sardonic is all that permits him to move within himself. Without this quality, even occasional greatness will destroy a man. Frank Herbert, Dune

Probably worth thinking more here about areas that impact me. I think I’m someone he tries to not carry my success in a vulgar or pretentious way. I say that until I think about my car. A red Camaro. I remember getting it and thinking, woah, it’s really cool I can afford something like this. I remember getting it after a series of mini-vans and hand-me-down cars. This was one of the first times I got some so over the top ridiculous.

In the end, I’m not sure it has given me as much joy as I thought it might. So maybe this is one part of my life that I should look at more closely. Does that car really provide something useful to me. Does it send a message of wealth or pretentiousness…I suppose it does. So not only isn’t it something I really like, I think it has the added impact of separating me from others. Seeming flashy.

So maybe saying goodbye to Brandi in the new year is something to think more about. I think she just has a few payments left—maybe once that is done I can look at some options. Think a bit more about practicality in my purchases over what they say about me. Is something useful and desirably, apart from its brand and message it sends to those around me?

This reminds me some of the commodification concept at burning man. The idea that brands are not present and there is no economy.

Another way to do this might be to reflect more on being thankful for things in my life. Maybe that is a step towards avoiding ostentatiousness. I’ll think more and come back to this one.

They say in Buddhism there are 108 defilements, or sins, that take you away from reaching a peaceful state. Based on my watching of the TV show Lost, its seems 108 is an important number in Buddhism.

I was up in North Conway this past weekend at a shop that had these cool 108 mala beads out make out of lotus seeds. I bought one and thought about the idea of going through each 108 beads and thinking of the defilements and contemplating how they have been in play in my life. Maybe even think about how to avoid them and ways I can be a better person.

As I understand it, these defilements are the things that lead to pain.

They are often based in desire. I’m not sure I fully subscribe to the idea of giving up all desire as the path to peacefulness and health. It certainly would be a more peaceful way of living, but more like a sense of asceticism. Leaving the world and just existing.

So maybe I’ll start with just kind of contemplate each of these in my life. If other people want to do it—the whole list is below. I don’t think there is a right way or wrong way to do this—more just contemplating for a little bit throughout the day.

1.ostentatiousness

2 grudge

3 gambling

4 ingratitude

5 dipsomania

6 ambition

7 dominance

8 faithlessness

9 manipulation

10.stinginess

11 pessimism

12 hostility

13.abuse

14.debasement

15.sexual lust

16.sarcasm

17.humiliation

18.jealousy

19.gluttony

20.unruliness

21 hurt

22cruelty

23 unkindness

24 obstinacy

25 envy

26 indifference

27 negativity

28 furtiveness

29 sadism

30 enviousness

31 derision

32 falseness

33 high-handedness

34 know-it-all

35 rage

36 aggression

37 rapacity

38 effrontery

39 disrespectfulness

40 hard-heartedness

41 eagerness for power

42 lying

43 insidiousness

44 self-denial

45 inattentiveness

46 contempt

47 wrath

48 haughtiness

49 greed for money

50 seducement

51 vindictiveness

52 insatiability

53 voluptuousness

54. excessiveness

55.censoriousness

56.dissatisfaction

57.egoism

58.ignorance

59.hatred

60.greed

61.impudence

62 imposture

63 cursing

64 imperiousness

65 lecherousness

66. callousness

67. malignancy

68.torment

69.intolerance

70.blasphemy

71 shamelessness

72. irresponsibility

73. obsession

74.prejudice

75.arrogance

76.violent

77.temper

78.garrulity

79.dogmatism

80. presumption

81.intransigence

82. oppression

83. prodigality

84. lack of comprehension

85.obstinacy

86.pride

87.conceitedness

88.delusion

89.quarrelsomeness

90. self-hatred

91 violence

92. vanity

93. hypocrisy

94. stubbornness

95. baseness

96. pretence

97. mercilessness

98. disrespect

99. ridicule

100.masochism

101.tyranny

102.capriciousness

103.deceit

104.anger

105.calculation

106.unyielding

107.desire for fame

108. deception

 

I like to write. I feel like all those books and articles I’ve written are an indication of that. But more than writing for profit or education, writing is way for me to process. To think about things in life. Over the years (decades), I’ve kept an assortment of journals and scrapbooks. Maybe I’ll post some things from there here on this blog. I’m not sure.

And maybe that’s part of this as well. Not being sure. And just embracing that. When everything has a structure to it–a set of expectations, it changes the creation. The audience influences the writing. So here is a place where I carve out spot for me, audience or no, to reflect and write. Without an expectation or structure. Unless I want a structure. And then I’ll have one of those.

I’ve posted some things on Facebook (ha). I know…I’ve lived a lot of my life on Facebook. The food pictures alone… I toyed with the idea of doing this there as well. But I didn’t like the idea of forcing this each in my friend’s news feeds. If people do read this, perhaps its better if they wander over to me. Linger some, rather than me evangelizing to them. It’s one of my pet peeves about Christianity–this idea that something with value has to be sold. That it has to be proselytized. I actually had to look that up– ‘proselytize’  “convert or attempt to convert (someone) from one religion, belief, or opinion to another.” Which is kind of the point. As an aside, its one of the parts I respect most respect about Judaism and Buddhism. The lack of proselytizing. They don’t show up at your door knocking (I’m looking at you, Walter). There’s a seeking that is required. And that’s what I’m feeling here with this blog. Some seeking.

Stephen King addresses those out there as his “constant reader”–I don’t know what to call people who follow this. I’m certainly not looking for followers or attention here. Well, let’s be fair, I’m not looking for that as the primary purpose.  I want a place to organize my thoughts. To work on some things that I have put off to the side.

And hey, maybe some of these thoughts will resonate with you. Maybe some will be different. Either way, I’m seeing each day like a blank page and committing to something  apart from my work, my faith—all those things that define and structure me.

I like the idea of intentionality. Pointing at something you want and moving toward it.

This here? This is for me. It’s something I want.

But maybe it’s for you as well.

Also, all spice dram is in my flask right now. I made it myself after falling in love with it (I do this a lot) in Pittsburgh last year. Its rum-based and out of Jamaica, which is why its been so damn hard to get here in New Hampshire. So I made some. My favorite is with Bourbon and cherry.

The flask itself I found in New Orleans (which let’s all pause for moment of surprise). Its old and covered in leather and keeps TSA people when I’m traveling ask “is this a glasses case?”

BVB